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00:00:20,909 --> 00:00:25,190
Weekends in suburbia are a great time to
wash the car, mow the lawn, or insult

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00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:26,049
your children.

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00:00:26,050 --> 00:00:29,070
Right, we'll only be a couple of hours.
Try not to break anything.

4
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,330
Don't you want to take Benji?

5
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:33,950
We're going to eat grandad's grave, you
moron. Why do we want to take that

6
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:37,250
shitty machine with us? He likes the
fresh air. So do my bollocks.

7
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:39,250
Doesn't mean I take them out in
graveyards.

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00:00:41,570 --> 00:00:46,390
Dickhead. With his parents gone, Jay did
what pretty much every male human does

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00:00:46,390 --> 00:00:48,570
when they think they might get five
minutes alone in the house.

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00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:50,750
Unfortunately for him, he wasn't alone.

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He had company.

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00:01:01,950 --> 00:01:03,230
Fucking hell, Benji!

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00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:08,130
Jay was into some pretty weird stuff,
but even he drew the line at letting the

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00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:09,630
family pet stare at his penis.

15
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:12,830
Why don't you just shut him out of the
room? Well, I tried that, but he goes

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00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:16,270
mental. Scratches at the door and howls.
That's even more distracting.

17
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,010
Or you could take him to a dog training
class.

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00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:20,770
I think traditionally they teach more
sit, stay, beg, not stop watching me

19
00:01:20,770 --> 00:01:21,770
wank, you're putting me off.

20
00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:25,610
Why didn't you buy a PS3? Everyone knows
that Wiis are for children and girls.

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00:01:25,890 --> 00:01:26,669
And gays.

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00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:29,110
Well, I'm just heading out. Oh, sorry,
didn't realise you had friends around.

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00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:29,749
Hello, boys.

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00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,330
Hi, Mrs McKenzie. Hello. Hi.

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00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:34,530
I see you're enjoying Will's new WII.
It's called a Wii.

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00:01:34,990 --> 00:01:37,410
It's pretty neat, isn't it? It's the
only computer game I've ever been able

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to play. Would you like a game now, Mrs
McKenzie? Oh, no, I'm not very good.

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Even Will can beat me.

29
00:01:41,390 --> 00:01:42,390
You must be terrible.

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00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:43,610
Well, I'll give you some tips.

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00:01:43,890 --> 00:01:46,070
With this one, the trick is to bounce
around a lot.

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00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:46,908
Is it?

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00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:49,270
Oh, yeah, you really need to bounce up
and down.

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00:01:49,570 --> 00:01:52,110
OK, maybe I'll give it a quick game. No,
you definitely won't.

35
00:01:52,630 --> 00:01:53,630
Did you want something?

36
00:01:53,650 --> 00:01:56,390
Oh, not really. I'm just going away for
the weekend and wondered if there's

37
00:01:56,390 --> 00:01:58,330
anything special you wanted from
Waitrose. You're going away?

38
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:00,830
Where? To a friend's house in the
Cotswolds.

39
00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,410
You don't have any friends in the
Cotswolds? Yes, I do.

40
00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:04,630
Who? Fergus.

41
00:02:05,030 --> 00:02:05,848
Sorry, who?

42
00:02:05,850 --> 00:02:09,389
Fergus. We were friends at college and
we've just recently caught up again on

43
00:02:09,389 --> 00:02:13,230
Facebooks. You're going away with a
Facebook stalker? Do you not watch the

44
00:02:13,230 --> 00:02:15,490
news? Where's he taking you, a ditch off
the A40?

45
00:02:15,710 --> 00:02:17,790
I know you're upset, but try not to
overreact.

46
00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:19,770
Maybe we should talk about this later.

47
00:02:20,090 --> 00:02:23,210
No, let's talk about it now, in front of
everyone. I've got nothing to hide, have

48
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:26,430
you? Well, try and stay calm or you'll
have an asthma attack, just like you did

49
00:02:26,430 --> 00:02:27,430
that time when we lost Teddy.

50
00:02:27,570 --> 00:02:28,830
OK, fine, yeah, we'll talk about it
later.

51
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:33,180
For the record, it was an allergy. It
wasn't Teddy's fault. But luckily, the

52
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:35,720
others didn't take the piss for too
long, because they were obsessed with

53
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,840
the really big news of the day. With
Will's mum on Facebook, that's tonight's

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00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,300
rank lined up. I doubt she's put
anything too outrageous out there. As

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00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:44,380
long as it has the eyes, eyes is all I
really need. Why is she going away to

56
00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:47,260
get wrinkly old cock when she could just
stay at home and have one massive young

57
00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:50,300
pulp? It's a mystery to me. That is
perhaps the greatest mystery of all

58
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,300
time. Oi, Neil.

59
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,680
Why do that?

60
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,600
It's just funny. And cool. But that's
someone's garden. It's vandalism. Nah,

61
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,300
vandalism is like smashing in people's
windows or something. This is just a

62
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:04,340
laugh. Give it a go, Si. Don't think so.
What, in case you go to prison for

63
00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:05,340
killing flowers?

64
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,760
Don't worry, Si. Don't hurt them. They
ain't got feelings. Look.

65
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:11,359
I'll pass.

66
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,280
Good luck with the landscape gardening.
I'll see you later.

67
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:14,179
What are you getting?

68
00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:16,080
Golf. Got the Father-Son tournament at
the weekend.

69
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:20,920
Golf? Golf is for fat wankers in their
40s. You know what golf stands for? No.

70
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:21,999
What?

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00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,460
Gay... outdoor lifestyle with fellas.

72
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,700
Brilliant. Well, it's not as
entertaining as playing with flowers,

73
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,100
but I sort of don't care what you say,
because it turns out I'm quite good at

74
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,520
it. We might actually win. Oh, win.

75
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:34,640
See you later, then. Oh, mate, that is
too perfect.

76
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,160
Nice. Oh, what? Come on. Listen, Tiger
Wuss, you should probably get off. You

77
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won't like this.

78
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:41,960
Some flowers are about to get fucked up.

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00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,320
So while the other three were enjoying
themselves, I was having a terrible

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00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,860
week. Finding out your mum is on
Facebook is bad enough, but finding out

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00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:50,840
she's using it to look for cock is
beyond the pale.

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00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:52,060
Am I overreacting?

83
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,260
I've never been introduced to even the
notion of a boyfriend.

84
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,540
I think I'm entitled to be reasonably
defensive about him.

85
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:59,540
Neil, your parents have been divorced
longer than mine. What was it like when

86
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,660
your mum had her first boyfriend?

87
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,360
It wasn't too bad. He was a bit like my
dad. I suppose she's got a type.

88
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,160
Gaze, fuck off. It's still difficult,
though, isn't it?

89
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,360
Yeah, no, I understand.

90
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,880
Do you think this is the first snob
she's had since your dad?

91
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,120
Whoa, maybe we'll leave the heart to
heart for now then, Neil. But we have

92
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,560
established that this Fergus bloke is
boning her. They're just going to Bath

93
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,560
for the weekend.

94
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:19,200
Sightseeing. The major sight being her
tits in his mouth.

95
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,320
I think it's the Roman baths, actually.

96
00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:22,980
So, when's she coming round for the
party?

97
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:26,900
Um... Never? Oh, come on, if your mum's
going away, you've got to have a party.

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00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,920
No, I'm not going to be one of these
idiots who advertise a small gathering

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00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,900
on Facebook, then 4,000 people turn up,
the roof gets stolen, and the next

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00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,680
morning they're on the news saying,
things just got out of hand.

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00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,180
Plus, your mum will probably find out
now she's on Facebook.

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00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:42,080
Yeah, tell her she hasn't replied to my
friend request yet. Please stop looking

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00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,500
at my mum on the internet, Neil. Did a
lot more than look at her last night.

104
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,440
And that's an OK thing to say now, is
it? All right, let's keep this party

105
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:53,260
simples. Just us, a crate of vodka... A
jacuzzi full of clunge. No parties and

106
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:56,460
no imaginary orgies. That's the last
thing I need. It's bad enough my mum's

107
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now practically internet dating.

108
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,580
Mackenzie, did you just say your mother
is internet dating?

109
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:06,360
Erm, sort of. Ah, interesting.

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00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,300
I'm single at the moment and she is very
much my type.

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00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:14,180
OK. Maybe you could set me up with her
and then who knows?

112
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:17,540
If things go well, you could end up
calling me Daddy.

113
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,280
Is this what you wanted to see me about,
sir?

114
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:22,240
No. My office.

115
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:23,500
Now.

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00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,100
Great. Now even the head of sixth form
was doing jokes about my mum.

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00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:30,900
At least I hoped he was joking.

118
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,080
As I'm sure you're aware, there's been a
spate of vandalism recently, culminating

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00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,840
in someone adapting the flower displayed
by the main roads that it now reads, We

120
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,260
Come Tit Village.

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00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:46,720
Oh, you think that's funny to you,
Mackenzie? Well, a bit. It doesn't even

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00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:47,709
make sense.

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00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:48,790
We come tit village?

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00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:50,470
What kind of morons would do that?

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00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,430
I think you know exactly who did it.

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00:05:52,990 --> 00:05:53,990
What?

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00:05:54,790 --> 00:05:55,790
I don't know, sir.

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00:05:56,370 --> 00:06:00,110
Honestly, I don't. Oh, come on, McKenty.
You're the sort of busybody that knows

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00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,810
everything that's going on. You can't
resist getting that beak of yours into

130
00:06:02,810 --> 00:06:03,810
other people's business.

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00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:05,330
Beak? Yes, your beaky nose.

132
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:11,870
If you don't tell me who did it, in my
role as your UCAS referee, I will fuck

133
00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:13,150
your application up.

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00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:15,810
I honestly don't know who did it.

135
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,250
I don't.

136
00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:20,420
I would have grasped. You know I would
have grasped straight away.

137
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:22,440
Yes, that is true.

138
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,760
Well, you've got till Monday to find
out, or it's goodbye first-rate

139
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,280
education. Hello, the University of
Lincoln.

140
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:31,260
This was serious.

141
00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:34,960
I'd been to Lincoln, and it's a
shithole. But luckily, I was about to

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00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,860
take part in the shortest investigation
ever.

143
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,840
What did Gilbert want, then? He thinks I
know who vandalised the roundabout.

144
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,080
Maybe you do.

145
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:45,820
Oh, God. It was you two, wasn't it? I
can't remember.

146
00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:48,860
Was it us, Neil? I can't remember, Joe.

147
00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:51,340
Yeah, it was us. Fucking brilliant.

148
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:55,220
Well done, you morons. Thanks. You going
to grasp them up, then?

149
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,880
Yes, of course.

150
00:06:57,140 --> 00:06:58,140
I will.

151
00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:01,560
Fine. No, then.

152
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,240
Yeah, hilarious.

153
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,260
You vandalise something, I end up at the
University of Lincoln.

154
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,600
I'll tell you what will be hilarious.

155
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:08,419
What's that?

156
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:11,320
When Gilbert fucks your mum, he will
crush her.

157
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:14,280
No, a lovely big tits are cushioning
him, I reckon. Yeah, if he's on top.

158
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,040
But what about from behind, Neil? Well,
can you imagine the size of his

159
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,360
bollocks? It'd be like two massive
wrecking balls smashing against their

160
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,100
arse. Lovely image. She's going to be a
mess when he's finished with her. Oh,

161
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,280
maybe we'll go twos out with that Fergus
bloke. What an enjoyable conversation

162
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,200
this is about my actual mother.

163
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:32,600
Yeah, I bet she's getting a load right
now. Well, she isn't because she doesn't

164
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,499
leave till tomorrow.

165
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:34,500
Oh, Simon, do you want to stay over?

166
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:36,320
Oh, what? You said no-one was allowed
round.

167
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:37,660
It's for security reasons.

168
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,840
You mean you're too scared to sleep in
the house on your own?

169
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,980
No. I can't, sorry.

170
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,780
I've got the golf tournament at 8 on
Sunday, so I promised my dad I wouldn't

171
00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:45,780
be out late on Saturday.

172
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,940
I'll tell you what, Briefcase. I need a
night away from the dog, so if you're

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00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,160
going to be scared, I'll stay round. And
I won't even charge.

174
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,120
I just need some baby lotion and access
to your mum's knicker drawer. Well, it's

175
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,800
a lovely offer, but I think I'll pass.

176
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,219
Neil, are you around?

177
00:07:58,220 --> 00:08:01,100
As long as I'll bring my PS3 so we don't
have to play those shit Wii games.

178
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,360
Yeah, anything you like.

179
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:04,260
How come he can fucking stay in our car?

180
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:07,740
Well, mainly because he's not planning
to ejaculate over my mother's underwear.

181
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,440
I ain't promising nothing.

182
00:08:11,599 --> 00:08:13,820
The next day, and my mum was all set to
go.

183
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,600
Now, I'm not one for making rash
judgements, but to me, Fergus looked

184
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,640
like a massive ginger bellend with a
stupid car, and I hated him. The fridge

185
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,960
is full, but if you need anything else,
the Ocado account number's by the

186
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,220
computer. You're only going to be away
for one night, aren't you?

187
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,380
Probably. I've left the heating on
constant, just in case you get cold, and

188
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:30,860
don't forget, Mrs Springett's got a key,
so she'll be popping in to check you're

189
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,260
OK. Well, look forward to an unscheduled
appearance from her, then.

190
00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:36,419
Oh, and Neil, Will's a little bit
stressed at the moment. Me not being a

191
00:08:36,419 --> 00:08:38,820
brown might bring on one of his
migraines. If that does happen, there

192
00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,299
are special suppositories in the
bathroom cabinet.

193
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:43,730
Mum? It's the only thing that works.
He's just a bit sick. Can't keep

194
00:08:43,730 --> 00:08:44,629
painkillers down.

195
00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:45,630
Just need to pop two in.

196
00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:46,649
In where?

197
00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:48,770
Well, they are suppositories, so in his
bottom. Mum!

198
00:08:49,250 --> 00:08:50,250
For a joke?

199
00:08:50,510 --> 00:08:51,510
No, to stop his headache.

200
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,490
Bipedal.

201
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,130
Well, that is not happening.

202
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:01,890
Seriously, I don't care if you're dying.
I'm going nowhere near your arsehole.

203
00:09:02,090 --> 00:09:03,090
No, sure.

204
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,310
Fair enough.

205
00:09:07,550 --> 00:09:09,930
OK, so they've gone, then. That's
actually happened.

206
00:09:10,540 --> 00:09:13,080
Fine, come on then, Neil. Let's run
through a few house rules. Nothing too

207
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,580
crazy, just... Shotgun in your mum's
bed.

208
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:15,840
Right.

209
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:21,000
As Neil made himself very much at home,
Jay had come up with a plan to put some

210
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,960
distance between his sexual organs and
the dog.

211
00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:28,380
He'd temporarily lose Benji, run home
and do what he had to do, do what he had

212
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:32,140
to do again, and once more if it wasn't
too painful, then head out with some

213
00:09:32,140 --> 00:09:34,540
photocopied lost dog signs and a £20
reward.

214
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,220
Unfortunately, Benji, a dog, was too
smart for him.

215
00:09:39,260 --> 00:09:40,380
Fucking hell, Benji.

216
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,220
Back at mine, I was fighting a losing
battle to house train my new pet.

217
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,760
Do you eat this much toast at home?

218
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,460
Will, what's this pesto? Is it for
humans?

219
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:54,260
No, it's for extraterrestrials. That's
why I keep it in the fridge. Of course

220
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,260
it's for fucking humans.

221
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:56,500
Can you have it on toast?

222
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:57,840
Please use a plate.

223
00:09:58,240 --> 00:09:58,959
Hi, guys.

224
00:09:58,960 --> 00:09:59,960
How did you get in?

225
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,240
The front door was open.

226
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,840
Neil, did you leave the front door open?

227
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,220
A lot ago. I'll do us some toast, Neil.
All right.

228
00:10:06,959 --> 00:10:10,180
Sorry, is there a sign outside by the
permanently open front door saying, this

229
00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:11,180
way to the toast bar?

230
00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:13,040
Look, you're not even watching the TV.

231
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,220
All right, can't hang home alone. It's
just full sababit. Why are you even

232
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:20,060
here? I needed to get away from my
place. The door's driving me fucking

233
00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:22,280
mad. Because it stares at you while you
masturbate?

234
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,060
Exactly. How long have you had him now?

235
00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:25,380
About eight years.

236
00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:26,420
Has he always done it?

237
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,680
No, of course he hasn't. I wasn't
wanking a lot when I was ten, was I?

238
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,080
I thought you got laid when you was
nine, with a fit babysitter.

239
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,760
Well, yes, I did kneel, and that was why
I wasn't wanking so much. Something must

240
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,460
have started him off. I think he might
have chewed on the tissue under my bed

241
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:40,580
and now he's got a taste for it.

242
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:44,500
Jesus, that's some acquired taste. Dry
Kleenex and you're ejaculate.

243
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:45,720
Here you are, Jake.

244
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,520
Cheers. Can you try a bit tidier,
please?

245
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,320
Doing what won't be tidy?

246
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:54,200
Your mum's tits. I bet Fergus is
covering him in spooge right now.

247
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,440
Can we not talk about this?

248
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:59,020
Chuck's the drink, Neil. Um, no one is
chucking anything. If you want a drink,

249
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,960
then pour yourself a glass. The glasses
are up there. God, it's like staying at

250
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,759
the Ritz.

251
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,960
Famous, of course, for its no-chucking
drinks or toast passes.

252
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:06,500
Well, there's no fucking glasses.

253
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:07,960
Try the dishwasher.

254
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,100
Oh, for God's sake!

255
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,960
Right, we're going out.

256
00:11:13,180 --> 00:11:15,360
Out where? I don't care. Outside. Out of
here.

257
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,740
Fucking hell, I'll buy you a new glass
if you're going to get so menstrual

258
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,860
about it. It's not about the glass.
You're like a plague of toast-eating

259
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,120
locusts. Right, fine.

260
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,169
We'll go out.

261
00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:26,550
Neil, I think it's time we took Will on
a pussy patrol.

262
00:11:28,190 --> 00:11:31,150
So I was taken along on the pussy
patrol, and it was pretty much

263
00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:32,270
everything I dreamed it would be.

264
00:11:38,050 --> 00:11:44,950
This is the pussy

265
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:47,970
patrol, is it? Driving your mum's car
very slowly around the estate?

266
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,370
Sometimes we go down to shops.

267
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:50,810
Have you even got your licence?

268
00:11:51,370 --> 00:11:53,900
Provisional. So all the time you've been
driving, it's been illegal.

269
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,640
Great. It's fine. If we get stopped, we
just say I'm giving him a lesson. But

270
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,860
you're allowed to give lessons till
you've been driving for three years.

271
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,840
You just say disabled, then it's
allowed.

272
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:03,059
Who's disabled?

273
00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:06,620
You or him? One of us. You say it's a
mental disablement. Yeah, I do a really

274
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:07,339
good voice.

275
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:08,440
Oh, well, I look forward to that, then.

276
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:11,660
Watch that squirrel, Jay.

277
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,240
Oh, ships, they'll jump out of the way.
They always do.

278
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:21,980
Ah! He left! You just lost a game of
chicken with a rodent. He's still there.

279
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,380
He's mugging you off, mate. Yeah, we'll
see who's the chicken.

280
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,480
Oh, my God, he's jumped out of the way.
He's made you look all right, Mug. Oh,

281
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,239
fuck this.

282
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,240
Right.

283
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:42,700
Oh, God.

284
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:47,540
Why did you do that?

285
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:50,000
Not so clever now, is he? Now who's the
fucking mug?

286
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,120
I don't think he was trying to make you
look a mug, Jay.

287
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:56,120
Fucking little piss-taker. I'll get a
spade, we'll bury him. Nah, fuck him!

288
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,300
His eyes look sad.

289
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:08,880
Great. So, so far in Jay and Neil's war
against Mother Nature, the death toll

290
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,720
stood at 52 flowers and one piss-taking
squirrel.

291
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:22,340
With the blood of a defenceless animal
on our hands, and on Jay's wheel arches,

292
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:23,680
we headed back to mine.

293
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,700
Right, where have you been? Jesus
Christ, Simon, you scared the shit out

294
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,720
of me. How did you get in here? That
door was open. Neil!

295
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,060
Oh yeah, sorry.

296
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,020
Mate, what the fuck are you wearing?

297
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,840
It's a polo shirt and chinos. You looked
like my cousin when he went for a job

298
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:37,960
interview. Oh, is he a golf pro?

299
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,420
No, he's got Down syndrome.

300
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,400
This is just what everyone wears for
golf.

301
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,320
Can I make some toast, Will? Pop one in
for us, Simon. Just get the shit out of

302
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,039
Pooh, yeah?

303
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,420
Use the downstairs toilet and open a
window!

304
00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:50,020
Who's that?

305
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,780
Hello. This is for Polly Milf, Kenzie.

306
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,260
If this was my dickish friend's way of
taking my mind off what Fergus was doing

307
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:01,020
to my mum, it wasn't working.

308
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,160
Who ordered these?

309
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:04,460
I know, I'm a genius.

310
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:06,820
Your mum left her card details on a
post-it on the laptop.

311
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,100
That's for emergencies only!

312
00:14:08,420 --> 00:14:09,420
Well, it was an emergency!

313
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:10,920
Your house is fucking boring!

314
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,420
Now we can get totally wankered. No, I'm
getting it refunded. I don't want to get

315
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,780
wankered. I want everything to be the
same as it was before she went away.

316
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,100
What?

317
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,960
Nothing. We haven't done anything, have
we, Si? No, we haven't been anywhere

318
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,300
near your Facebook page. Oh, for fuck's
sake, what have you done?

319
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,800
Oh, you've changed my profile pic to a
fat naked man and you've changed my

320
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,780
status to Will is fingering his cat.

321
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:38,820
Presumably you've changed the password
too? Yeah.

322
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,040
Do you like the picture?

323
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:42,490
I mean, the knob's a bit big, but other
than that, it's definitely you.

324
00:14:42,870 --> 00:14:45,690
Seriously, you've got to tell me the
password. What if my mum sees this? She

325
00:14:45,690 --> 00:14:48,270
won't. I don't think Fergus can get
Facebook on the end of his cock.

326
00:14:48,790 --> 00:14:51,850
Look, if you don't tell me the password,
I'm contacting the site administrator

327
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:55,270
and reporting you. Oh, look out, Si.
He's going to get the Facebook police

328
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:58,650
onto us. Oh, no, I don't want to get
told off by the nerds who run Facebook.

329
00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:00,330
Please, I'm begging you.

330
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,290
OK, you can have the password if I can
stay over.

331
00:15:03,550 --> 00:15:04,750
I thought it was boring here.

332
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:08,030
Well, it is. But you don't have a dog,
and I have certain needs to fulfil.

333
00:15:08,310 --> 00:15:09,310
Oh, Christ.

334
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,700
All right, you can fucking stay. Now,
what's the password?

335
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:14,979
I heart.

336
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,380
I heart. My mum's vagina.

337
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,060
Brilliant.

338
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,120
And that's not even it!

339
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,460
Jay! Briefcase wanker.

340
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:23,780
Pricks.

341
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,240
So I'm no longer fingering a cat, but
now I can't return the lager. Thanks,

342
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,380
Jay. You're welcome. Si? I can't really.
I've got the tournament tomorrow.

343
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:32,660
Oh, just one.

344
00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:35,420
Oh, fuck. I can probably have one, can't
I? Toilet's blocked.

345
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,280
What do you mean, toilet's blocked?

346
00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:38,660
It's blocked.

347
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,830
So what you actually mean is you've
blocked the toilet?

348
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:42,490
Maybe. I don't know. I'm not a plumber.

349
00:15:42,710 --> 00:15:44,090
Oh, I think I can smell it from here.

350
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:47,230
Yeah, it was a bad one, to be honest.
Like all the leftovers from Christmas

351
00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:49,090
dinner all in one go. Oh, God.

352
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:51,390
So as you'd expect, not a clean break.

353
00:15:51,690 --> 00:15:53,650
And I ran out of toilet roll, so I had
to use a wet towel.

354
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:55,250
Jesus Christ.

355
00:15:55,310 --> 00:15:58,270
Well, I'm sorry, but from now on, all
toilets are out of bounds to guests.

356
00:15:58,610 --> 00:15:59,269
Oh, what?

357
00:15:59,270 --> 00:16:00,490
Well, hang on. What if I need to go?

358
00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,370
Could use a garden. I'm not a dog, Neil.

359
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,320
Okay, I'd assumed it was a given, but
I'll make it clear now just in case. No

360
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,620
one is to shit in my back garden.

361
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,159
That's it?

362
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,780
What? I'll tell my dad that Benji did a
shit in the house. Did he?

363
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,400
Well, no, but if I say he did, we'll
have to keep him outside.

364
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:18,880
Then I can wank freely without him
judging me.

365
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,220
Your dad?

366
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,480
The dog.

367
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:26,360
I don't know what they had for Christmas
dinner around Neil's house, but it

368
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,980
smelled like turkey stuffed with rotten
eggs and pedigree chub. Well, he's

369
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:30,980
right. It's definitely blocked.

370
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,880
What's going on? Watch this.

371
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:53,160
What the fuck are you doing? This golf
bat is perfect. It's exactly what we've

372
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,160
been looking for.

373
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:57,900
Oh, sorry, was that not clear?

374
00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:00,620
Stop fucking vandalising my garden.

375
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:04,220
Oh, come on, Will. I thought that at
first, but have a go. It's fun. Not for

376
00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:05,039
me, it's not.

377
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,720
They're only daffodils. Fuck your little
show-offs. Oh, look at me. I'm out

378
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:09,720
first. I'm all yellow.

379
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,240
Have you gone mental?

380
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:12,819
Just have a go. It's fun.

381
00:17:13,220 --> 00:17:14,220
They go miles.

382
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,839
No. What are you going to do next? Tag
up my bedroom?

383
00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:18,200
Piss through my letterbox?

384
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:19,319
Can we?

385
00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:21,740
No. Right, come on. We're going out
again.

386
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:22,940
Come on.

387
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,680
Babysitting these three was exhausting,
so I did what all good babysitters do.

388
00:17:28,109 --> 00:17:31,410
Hit the drink and let them get on with
it. Oh, Christ, I've got to sober up.

389
00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:32,610
What am I going to tell my dad?

390
00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:34,430
To leave your mum. She's a dog.

391
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:35,549
Fuck off.

392
00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:36,750
Oh, yes. Nice.

393
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,530
I thought we did all easy overnight.

394
00:17:38,910 --> 00:17:40,490
Nah, they grow back every day, don't
they?

395
00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:43,010
Or the bloke has replanted them at some
effort and cost.

396
00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:45,510
Nah, they're in pretty much the same
place. They must have grown back.

397
00:17:46,170 --> 00:17:47,190
Someone's replanted them, Neil.

398
00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:48,890
I doubt it. They're flowers.

399
00:17:49,170 --> 00:17:52,550
They grow. That's what they do. That's
why no-one minds us smashing them up.

400
00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:53,710
You know a lot about gardening.

401
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:55,850
You know, my dad used to shag dealer
Smith, didn't he?

402
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:59,780
And plus, this is public ground anyway,
so we can do what we like. No, it isn't.

403
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:00,840
This is someone's front garden.

404
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,120
Where's the fence then?

405
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,340
Nice. This isn't right. You shouldn't be
doing this.

406
00:18:07,580 --> 00:18:11,640
Oh, shut up for once. No-one cares,
Will. Everyone does it. By the way, they

407
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,380
definitely don't. In your whole life,
have you ever just done something

408
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:15,540
because it was a fucking laugh?

409
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:23,310
Look at you, hanging around the estate,
drinking, smashing up people's gardens.

410
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:25,450
You're just a teenage pregnancy away
from an ASBO.

411
00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,070
Oh, sorry, neighbourhood watch.

412
00:18:29,070 --> 00:18:32,630
Oh, come on, Will, it is a laugh. What
would my mum say if she found out I was

413
00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:35,050
involved? I know what she's saying at
the moment. Do you?

414
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:38,350
Yep. Oh, Fergus, oh, Fergus, fuck me
harder.

415
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:41,050
In the mouth, now quickly, get it in my
arse, Fergus.

416
00:18:43,150 --> 00:18:44,650
Fine, give it here, then.

417
00:18:46,990 --> 00:18:48,570
By Jake, Dick Baldo.

418
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:51,690
See?

419
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:53,270
To be fair, that was brilliant.

420
00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:54,970
Might go. No, one more.

421
00:18:58,190 --> 00:19:01,350
Oi! Stay there, or I'm calling the
police!

422
00:19:01,570 --> 00:19:03,550
Run! Fuck off, you fat old chicks!

423
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,010
Well, that's not helping.

424
00:19:05,190 --> 00:19:09,290
So I had become what I hated, but thanks
to the beauty of alcohol, I couldn't

425
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:10,290
care less.

426
00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:15,310
Here, what do you reckon this one'll do
to a daffodil then, Si? I reckon it'll

427
00:19:15,310 --> 00:19:16,690
smash the fuck out of it, Neil.

428
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:20,010
Nice. I might have to borrow it and head
over to that bloke's place when the

429
00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:21,010
flowers are grown back.

430
00:19:21,110 --> 00:19:23,790
Oh, come on, Neil. Give the fat old shit
one day off.

431
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,710
Yeah, or he'll call the police.

432
00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:29,290
Ha! That was amazing, wasn't it? I mean,
did you think for one second that would

433
00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:31,330
scare me? Fucking daft-loving idiot.

434
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:32,810
Yes! Found it.

435
00:19:33,870 --> 00:19:35,190
Will's mum's vibrator.

436
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:36,490
That's a rolling pin.

437
00:19:36,630 --> 00:19:37,810
Oh, I've still got the smell.

438
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,430
It's a rolling pin. Right.

439
00:19:40,030 --> 00:19:41,930
I've got some unfinished business to
attend to.

440
00:19:42,170 --> 00:19:44,030
Business pulling my cock with no dogs
around.

441
00:19:44,370 --> 00:19:45,390
Not in my mum's bed.

442
00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:46,770
No, of course not.

443
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:47,709
Put that something.

444
00:19:47,710 --> 00:19:50,890
No, Neil's going to be wanking in there.
Yeah, found these in the wash basket.

445
00:19:51,510 --> 00:19:53,910
Oh, yes, they still got that lovely
arsey smell.

446
00:19:54,190 --> 00:19:56,390
Game of Pro Evo and Shots for the Loser?
What about your golf?

447
00:19:56,670 --> 00:19:59,090
Oh, I'm a natural. Everyone says it. A
couple more drinks won't make any

448
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,010
difference. Ah, the drink driver's
charter.

449
00:20:01,390 --> 00:20:02,390
Cheers.

450
00:20:08,110 --> 00:20:11,890
The next morning, we were woken by a
terrible banging. Either Jay was having

451
00:20:11,890 --> 00:20:15,170
the most aggressive wank ever, or
something even more worrying was

452
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:16,170
happening.

453
00:20:18,430 --> 00:20:19,430
What's that?

454
00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:22,910
Fucking hell, my head is killing me.

455
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:24,530
What's that noise?

456
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,350
I think there's someone at the front
door.

457
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,050
It's a bit early, isn't it?

458
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:29,370
It's not that early.

459
00:20:29,510 --> 00:20:31,990
What the fuck?

460
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,000
Shit! It's past nine o'clock. I should
have been at golf an hour ago.

461
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:36,260
Well, I wouldn't leave just yet.

462
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:37,540
What do you mean? I'm already late.

463
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,220
Well, shall we find out who's trying to
smash the door down while you head

464
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:41,220
outside?

465
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:43,840
Oh, fuck.

466
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,200
Who is it?

467
00:20:45,340 --> 00:20:46,700
It's the bloke whose garden we
destroyed.

468
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:48,060
What, the fat old shit?

469
00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:51,480
Yes, except he's not fat. He looks
fucking hard. I've got to get to golf.

470
00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:53,380
I've got seven missed calls. My dad's
going to go mental.

471
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:54,760
Fuck! Hide!

472
00:21:01,610 --> 00:21:02,970
Has he gone? Oh, shit.

473
00:21:03,490 --> 00:21:04,930
He's going to try the back door. So?

474
00:21:05,190 --> 00:21:06,370
What if Neil's left it open again?

475
00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,570
Oh, shit!

476
00:21:13,550 --> 00:21:15,410
Morning. Neil, back door!

477
00:21:15,710 --> 00:21:16,710
I locked it.

478
00:21:16,870 --> 00:21:17,870
Neil, get down!

479
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:19,530
What? Oi!

480
00:21:23,610 --> 00:21:26,830
Yep, that should afford him. He looks
well angry. Shit, another missed call

481
00:21:26,830 --> 00:21:27,489
from my dad.

482
00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:30,080
What are we going to do? I know you're
in there! Let's go back in the living

483
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,000
room. How's that gonna help? I just
farted in here.

484
00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:35,900
Oh, God, Neil, I'm in his wake.

485
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,620
It's like you're carrying it in your
pants. The fuck's all the noise? We're

486
00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:42,640
under attack from the daffodil bloke.
What? He's basically correct. We're

487
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:43,279
being threatened.

488
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,420
Come out here like a man!

489
00:21:44,660 --> 00:21:46,340
Does he know I'm here? I don't see how
he could.

490
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,520
Good. I'm going back to bed, then.

491
00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:51,520
Hey! I heard a banging.

492
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,980
Fucking Mrs Springett!

493
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,080
I know you're in there!

494
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,360
I saw your mate!

495
00:21:57,770 --> 00:22:01,590
Come on, do some vandalism now, then.
See? I told you it was vandalism. Oh, my

496
00:22:01,590 --> 00:22:04,130
God, my dad is going to kill me. I think
this guy might kill you first.

497
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:05,169
I know your mum.

498
00:22:05,170 --> 00:22:06,170
Oh, shit, he knows your mum.

499
00:22:06,430 --> 00:22:08,130
Everyone knows your mum. Not now, Neil.

500
00:22:08,430 --> 00:22:09,470
I know you're in there.

501
00:22:09,690 --> 00:22:10,770
I can see your feet.

502
00:22:11,310 --> 00:22:14,710
Neil, I was getting cramped. Please,
Will, you say something to him. See if

503
00:22:14,710 --> 00:22:15,910
he'll just let me out. Are you insane?

504
00:22:16,290 --> 00:22:17,169
Listen to him.

505
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:20,790
Please, mate, for my dad. This dog thing
is massive for him. Go on, Will, what's

506
00:22:20,790 --> 00:22:21,729
the worst he could do?

507
00:22:21,730 --> 00:22:24,710
Hit me really hard. He won't do that. He
won't. Please, mate.

508
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,000
God. Fine.

509
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,220
Now, sir. Come out here, you coward!

510
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,260
I think we should all take a breath, try
and calm down.

511
00:22:35,740 --> 00:22:36,940
You're telling me to calm down?

512
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,200
Calm down?

513
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,240
I'll smash the shit out of your garden
and see how you like it! OK, I've got a

514
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,240
really bad hangover.

515
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,960
So if you aren't willing to have a
sensible conversation, I'm just going to

516
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:46,960
shut the curtains.

517
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,100
Are you taking the moral fucking high
ground?

518
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,320
Is that what you're doing? Okay, as I
say, I'm going to close these now. You

519
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,240
think that's going to stop me? I'm
closing them now. You think I give a

520
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,400
fuck? About to close.

521
00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:00,060
You're a bunch of fucking vandals, and I
call the police, but I want to deal with

522
00:23:00,060 --> 00:23:01,240
you myself. And they're closed.

523
00:23:01,540 --> 00:23:02,760
He's gone. I'll deal with a lot of you.

524
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,300
Nice one. That's your solution.

525
00:23:04,540 --> 00:23:08,180
Do you have a better one? Oh, God. Oh,
God. My dad is never, ever going to

526
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:09,680
forgive me. Anyone want any toast?

527
00:23:10,380 --> 00:23:11,700
Um, yeah, all right.

528
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:13,880
You alright, mate?

529
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:15,560
What's up?

530
00:23:16,020 --> 00:23:17,480
Just got a text from my dad.

531
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,280
He's had Benji put down.

532
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:24,300
He said once they start shitting
indoors, it's basically the end anyway.

533
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:25,440
Kindest thing to do.

534
00:23:27,340 --> 00:23:28,340
What have I done?

535
00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:31,280
I'll never wank again!

536
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,780
Come on, mate, you will.

537
00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:39,000
That'll prove to be the police.

538
00:23:41,399 --> 00:23:42,399
Oh, shit.

539
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:44,560
Is it, then? It's worse than that.

540
00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:46,140
It's my mum.

541
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,320
It had been an interesting few days.

542
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,740
I'd squashed my first squirrel, found
out that I had a beak, and seen evidence

543
00:23:53,740 --> 00:23:55,600
that Jay and Neil were surprisingly
creative.

544
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:59,360
The only good news was that having spent
the weekend being fucked by a ginger

545
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:03,260
stranger, my mum was dumped immediately
because, and I quote, he couldn't be

546
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:04,260
dealing with a problem child.

547
00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:06,680
Fucking Mrs Sprint!

548
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:21,560
You keep living sad, it's more than just
lies You're ever so cruel, and I'll be

549
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:28,000
your fool if you love me I'm ever so
shy, you're ever so

550
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,420
shy, we're ever so shy